Knowledge is Power! Write On!

If you're a long-hand writer, or even just a jotter, this season offers abundant lures for you or those wishing to delight you with an apropos gift.

If you are deeply pocketed, there are plenty of shops and experts to aid you, emporiums of soft light and classical music where finely-machined barrels are pressed into your fingers to test their balances and grips, all while trays of champagne flutes glide by in the gloves of liveried staff. Of course, there are those who will sniff and say that for much less expense, serviceable, even inspiring, devices can be had. But how to choose? We may well sympathize with ink-stained wretches of years past who had to decide upon the ink with which to stain themselves without customer reviews.

As of this writing, Amazon has accumulated 61 reviews of the
Bic Crystal ballpoint pen, medium point, black, EACH by Bic

Samples I've snipped:

"The image of the pen above clearly shows the pen hovering over the lid at an angle of 45 degrees (approximately). Since my postie delivered the pen this morning (fab packaging Amazon!), I have watched it sit constantly on my desk at what I can only descibe as a "horizontal" angle." (3 stars)

"...I called the Bic technical support number and after some discussion with a very nice young man called Brian I was informed that I had failed to remove the so-called 'protective cap' from the writing end of the pen. I realise for the 'young people' this procedure must seem fairly obvious, but come on Bic, perhaps some clearer instruction for us 'old fogeys' would avoid such confusion in the future" (4 stars)

"...Finally i knew, finally i felt peace as i took Biro between my thumb and forefinger and applied it to the scrap of paper i had prepared on the desk. No more afraid, i wrote the words "Semi-skimmed milk and a packet of Monster Munch. Pay Gas Bill". Exhausted, i collapsed back into my chair, spent yet satisfied. The pen itself seemed to thank me as i laid it to rest on top of the microwave." (5 stars)

"I had assumed from the image on the Amazon site that the Bic was a portable quill, with a travel inkwell, in which the pen could be dipped..." (3 stars)

"I have noticed that what this pen writes in my diary are the exact same thoughts that i have in my mind. Can this pen be reading my thoughts, i mean, is this at all possible?" (3 stars)

"It's an adequate pen for accountants or lawyers or beekeepers, but not deadly enough to use to impress hot femme fatales with your pen-shooting skills." (2 stars)

"Whilst this may cost more than a piece of pointy charcoal, I think the extra cost is justified." (5 stars)

"I frantically checked the package to see if there was some sort of activation process for the pen and stumbled across a warning note. Apparently the Writing Implement Association of America (WIAA) has established the UK as being part of distribution region 2, while North America is region 1. Because of the region differences, my imported pen will not work with region 1 8 1/2 x 11 inch letter-size paper - it only works on European (A4 and such) paper. Unfortunately the import duties on the pen itself cost quite a pretty penny, and I cannot afford to purchase appropriate-region paper to write on. I have looked up some so called "gray paper" import companies but I don't know if I altogether trust them." (1 star)

"There once was a young man from Cairo
Who wanted a 'tache just like Poirot
But he wasn't aware
That he had no facial hair
So he drew on his face with a biro..." (5 stars)

There's lot more poetry and fun at the link. I understand that Amazon's listing for Tuscan milk may be similarly helpful.